Sunday, April 6, 2014

Cheap Memories

I keep considering about writing a poem or a song about my loss.
But I like to rhyme when I write those things.
And somehow, rhyming just feels like it would cheapen it.

They say you don't know what you have until it's gone.
I did know. I do know.
I consider who is in my life, and question, deeply, if I really want them there.
One of the psychologists I've spoken to lately thought that I was troubled because of the decisions I have to make.
She pushed the topic so deep, wanted to be right so badly, that I shrugged my shoulders and told her she was right.
No, she wasn't right.
I think about most of the decisions I make. Most of the things I do is intentional.
Most people just don't understand this fact.

I swore to myself when I saw her, breathing, depending solely on a machine for each breath she took, that I would not regret my decisions.
I had been questioning myself since I moved to San Marcos.
But when I really look back on everything, I realize there really isn't anything I truly regret.
And I refuse, now, to have any doubts.
I refuse to regret.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

May I leave a message?

My mom called me last night.. I guess I was taking care of some business, and the phone rang. I ran to the phone and picked it up. "Are you staying with your dad for election day?" she asked. "Um... yeah..." I said. "Yes, I am." I was trying to sound perky, professional but light-hearted.

I looked around and realized I was in her house. I feel to the ground. She doesn't know, I thought. She doesn't know she's dead.

Then I woke up, crying, thinking, No, she does know. We never took notice to election day, and why would she call me at her own home? She does know she's dead. She was just checking up on me, making sure I'm being taken care of.

I kept thinking. It would be nice if I could dream about my mom. In dreams, anything is possible. I could make believe she is still with me, even if it is for a few minutes. I could keep building on fake memories, and know that at least we were together for a moment, even if it wasn't real.

Last night, I was in Italy. I had to pick my friend up and take him back to the states, because he didn't have the funds to make it back. Something had went wrong for him. Tanner. Of course it would be Tanner in Italy.

My mom was there, and they told me she was waiting for me on the bus. I ran as fast as I could. She was in the shower and I didn't care. I just wanted to see her, to know she's alright. She looked at me like I was crazy, and like nothing was wrong. She doesn't know, I thought. She doesn't know she's dead.

I woke up. Broke down.

Finished my project that's due today. Then went back to sleep to answer the phone call.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Silence

There's this wait game that people play.  You hang out with them, and if they call you back, they like you; or, if you stop texting them and they text you back, they like you. If they don't, you get mad and offended.

Well, I don't want to play that wait game anymore.  I don't want someone who is going to expect me to prove anything.  I have been having to fight all month.  Fight and fight and fight, stand up and stand my ground on so many issues.  And I'm tired.  Exhausted.  I keep getting hit everywhere I turn.  I can't have somebody over-analyzing my every move.  Not because I'm doing something bad, but because I'm not doing what they want me to do.

I'm tired.  The only people in my life right now should be those I can depend on.  Those I can cry to when I need to cry and can't hold it in any longer, or those who can make me laugh when I'm about to break.  And it's almost daily that I'm about to break.  So many people have been telling me how strong I am, but I feel so weak.  I don't want to be at school.  I don't want to deal with anything related to it.  I don't want to do critiques and sit there in my own head while all I can think about is how, when all this is over, it won't matter to her anymore, because she's no longer with me.

I miss my mom.  I really miss my mom.  I am a junior in college and I'm in a degree that I lack talent in and probably shouldn't even be in.  I am having to take co-responsibility over my mom's estate, something I never thought and never wanted to do, and a handful of people have tried to fight me on that.  I have this to look forward to for 6 to 12 months.  I have this fight and have this responsibility for 6 to 12 months.  I have to deal with this for 6 to 12 more months.  I don't want half of my mom's estate.  I want my mom.

So there's a few people I haven't texted back.  It's not because I don't care.  It's not even because I don't want to.  It's because I don't have the energy.  And I'm not playing with anybody's heart.  I'm just focused on mine right because because it's never shattered like this before.

I have been depressed.  I have wanted so bad for it all to end.  I have tried to end it myself.  I have wished for it all to just disappear.  I have felt an overwhelming struggle of emotion, and I have felt utter hopelessness.

But nothing.  Nothing compares to this.  I am 23.  My mom has just passed away.  We haven't fought in years and we used to talk all the time.  I am almost 24 and I will never get to speak to my mom again.  I have the rest of my life to live without her.

Think about that before you start trying to fight me or argue with me or present any kind of negative energy my way.  Think about all this that I'm going through, and that you'll never have to go through.  Just take your time and think about it.

Because I don't want to fight anymore.  I'm tired.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

College

I dread going back so bad.  I usually look forward to it, and seeing my friends again, and getting back to a life I enjoy.  But now I keep thinking about how mom was supposed to be there and tour last summer, and instead, she was sitting in a chair, getting pumped useless medicine.

Two years.  One and a half.  I just need to hold on and get through it. Getting so close now.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Last Birthday

I have always looked forward to mom's 50th birthday.  As much as she has picked on everybody else, I was going to get her so bad.  Buy her all kinds of "You're getting old" toys and trinkets, call her with as many 50-year-old jokes as I could find on the Internet, explode her mailbox with "You know you're getting old" kind of cards.  Before I moved away from Virginia, I had even decided I was going to throw her a huge bash with her friends.

My mom has always been the kind of person to laugh and joke all the time.  I got her back a couple of times, but this year, plans were in the making, as they have been for years.  All those times she picked on us, she was going to have to dish it all back and it was going to be amazing.

Her 50th birthday is less than 4 months away.  I really wish she would've made it.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Thoughts of the Daughter

It's that moment when your whole world freezes.  Shock.  Your imagination kicks in and suddenly, for just a few seconds, you are in a completely different universe, one where everything is fine and everything is going to be alright.  But a few seconds never last that long.

We all handle things in our own way.  Writing happens to be mine.  Always has been.

Margaritas, fireworks, sand.  Only one other person can make me laugh as hard.
Memories.

I saw him look at me and I knew his thoughts.  I knew exactly what was going through his mind.  Pity the daughters, especially the youngest who is still in college.  Or maybe there's more I don't know.  There has been this whole time, and I'm getting table scraps of information and just accepting the cards I've been given. (I blame nobody and don't consider this important.  Details were never important.  Phone calls were, and we made many when we could).

Hug, kiss kiss.  Hug, kiss kiss.  Hug, kiss.  Don't hug too hard, she's fragile.  Be careful with that kiss because her immune system is weak.

Plans.

It's better to look forward to something that may never come, than to never look forward to anything.

If I get another chance, I'm living life to the fullest!

The most occurring thoughts:  I'm so glad we had Jamaica.  I'm so glad we have been so close these past few years.  There is nothing I regret.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

If You Must..

It's not that I'm letting go, it's just that I'm not holding on to someone who has already let go of me.